I talk to hundreds of home stagers during home staging business coaching calls.
I’m always struck by how much negative self-talk is going on.
In a single 30-minute conversation, I’ll hear someone say “I’m so stupid when it comes to xyz” 4 or 5 times.
Imagine how many times they’re saying it to themselves when no one is there to hear it?!
I’m guilty of negative self talk too, we all are!
Most of the time I know I’m not consciously aware of that voice inside my head that can suck all the joy out of a situation.
For example, I’ll take a break from working to walk the dog around the block.
It can be a beautiful sunny day, one of the few we have left before winter rolls in.
Ten minutes into it, I’ll realize I haven’t stopped to enjoy the sun on my face. Or that I don’t need a warm coat, a hat and gloves.
Instead, I’ve travelled many blocks fighting with someone inside my head. Or berating myself for not working hard enough.
What I Realized About My own Negative Self Talk
I was listening to an interview with Rev. Karen Russo, author of The Money Keys: Unlocking Peace, Freedom & Real Financial Power
She made a suggestion that really helped me around this whole issue of negative self-talk.
And realizing how debilitating (and dare I say it, abusive) it can be!
If you’re a mother like I am, you’ll probably really relate to this.
Imagine saying to a 9 year old girl:
“You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t work harder.
Too bad, if you weren’t so stupid about xyz you might be able to run your own home staging business.
Given who you are, it will never work.
If only you were smarter, prettier, skinnier or younger. Your life would be perfect, but you’re not!
So you might as well give up now.”
Doesn’t that make you want to cry?!
Would you expect that 9 year old to have confidence and be inspired and go out and do big things in the world?
We’d never talk to a child that way. We know the long-term damage that would cause to her self-esteem.
And ultimately what this would do to her chances of living a happy and successful life.
So why are we so verbally abusive to ourselves?
Karen said something that really hit home with me. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something like,
“Speaking to yourself with a voice of compassion doesn’t make you weak. Your ambition won’t dry up because you’re nice to yourself.”
In that moment, I had a startling realization about myself. One that I know I’ll need to keep reminding myself of.
I have been operating from a faulty (and damaging) belief that if I don’t keep pushing myself to conquer ever more challenges, my business will stop growing. And I’ll stop accomplishing anything.
Does this resonate with you?
What negative messages have you been listening to that are killing your home staging business and more importantly, your spirit and happiness?
One way to “unlock your real financial power” as Russo calls it, is to earn your own money and not be financially dependent on a partner. I became a home stager as a single mom and proved to my daughter that it IS possible to pursue your dreams and support your family.
Hi Debra, As you know I’ve just taken the leap to follow my life long passion for design by making the desicion to become a home stager.
It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done and, part of the reason I haven’t done it sooner is definitely the negative voices in my head saying things like “what are you thinking?! You’ll never make it!” “Stop dreaming and bring yourself back to reality! Someone’s gotta pay the bills remember?!” Along with that kind of negative self talk comes thoughts of “Besides, what if you invest a bunch of money and time into something and you fail!? Then what?! It ends up being a crazy schizophrenic conversation in my head that I don’t want to be a part of and sometimes even covering my ears and loudy saying LA! LA! LA! won’t make it stop. My only recourse in these moments is to bring myself back to reality and and distract myself by keeping busy with other things.
One of my weaknesses is that I’m my own worst critic. I’ve always had very high expectations of myself in every aspect of my life and the truth is, anytime I’ve set my mind to accomplishing something I’ve done it and, I’ve done so sucessfully. So, I had to ask myself why I wasn’t willing to take a risk by investing in myself and my future happiness.
I’m pretty sure others will agree that the thought of failure can be a scary proposition BUT I had to tell myself “You’ll never know if you never try” and “isn’t the thought of never knowing worse then the potential of failing?” Afterall, isn’t failing to try in itself failure? I think it is! Not to mention I’d be continuing to cheat myself out of the fulfillment I’ve been craving for years and yes, never knowing 5 or 10 or 20’s years from now would be far worse.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a very successful career in Marketing and have been fortunate enough to work for some great organizations but there was always something missing. Part of it was creative freedom and part of it was that I’ve always wanted to be my own boss (does that mean I’m a control freak? Maybe a little…I’m a Virgo afterall 😉 ), not to mention the personal fulfillment I know I’d achieve from doing something I’m truly passionate about.
Unfortunately, that fear of failure, financial security amoung other things have always seemed to trump my ability to “Just do it!” I continued to allow the voices in my head to tell me “it’s not the responsible thing to do” along with “It will take a very long time before you’ll earn the money you’re accustomed to making now and, you may never!”, “Are you willing to give up the lifestyle you’re accustomed to?” “Do you want to work 70 hr + weeks?” “You already know how much competition you have from established businesses…what makes you think you can compete with them?…you missed the bus AGAIN!” The list goes on.
I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and recently something happened to me. I was laid off for the second time in my 21 year career. The first time, I got back in the saddle immediately. This time I decided to take a break. It’s allowed me to take some time to reflect on my life, where to go from here and to turn all that negative talk into something positive. Afterall, I control that voice and I know when I’m at my best I can win those debates hands down :).
The easiest thing for me to do right now would be to put myself back on the job market knowing that I’d get scoped up pretty quickly. I’d be able to fall back into my normal routine and have the security I’m accustomed to…back in my comfort zone. The problem with that is every time I think about it, it makes me want to throw my cookies and, it makes me very UNcomfortable. Huh, who woulda thunk it? 😉
The fact is, (subconciously or not) I’d already decided to turn the layoff into an opportunity for me to relinquish the fear, get off my butt and take a chance on ME. I think I’m a pretty safe bet :). Aha!…in comes “everything happens for a reason”. I just didn’t realize I’d already beat the living day lights out of the voices and said “I win!”.
In all seriousness, I asked myself numerous times “If not now, when?”. The answer to that was eventually “Duh! Never, stupid!” :). I can’t think of too many times in my life where I’ve backed down to a challenge EXCEPT for the times when I was feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, frustrated and fed up with whatever was going on at work. We all know those times…when we’re on the verge of wanting to quit. Unfortunately, in my case I’ve always let the voices win in those situations. I’d get up the next day and get back on the hamster wheel. Sound familiar?
I know that from time to time those voices will try to creep in. I also acknowledge that allowing myself to finally listen to my heart and do what will truly make me happy won’t always be easy, but most things in life worth having require commitment, right? The difference in this situation for me is that I’m viewing it as a commitment to myself. I’m worth whatever comes my way and I refuse to allow myself to believe I’ll be anything but succesful. More importantly I’m giving myself the gift of personal fulfillment. How satisfying is that?!
The other thing I do is always try to learn or take something positive away from every experience…good or bad. It’s helped to shape who I am over the years and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
I know there will be challenging times when I may want to run, not walk away from the path I’ve chosen but I also know that running away can lead to getting lost…that’s how I ended up taking this long to get where I am! I’m not willing to end up in the abyss of the life I know I really don’t want anymore. Besides, I bruise easily…I can handle a little figurative bruising or that of my ego better then the ugly, puffy marks left from falling into that hole. How about you? Look forward to hearing from others in the group. Have a great weekend!
Lysa
Lysa, thanks so much for sharing the story of your journey to finally allowing yourself to follow your dreams, despite all the fears and “voices of reason” to the contrary.
After 22 years as an entrepreneur (some of my business ideas were wildly successful financially, some gave me great personal fulfillment and not much money, and others have met both those needs), I can honestly say I don’t regret any of the things I’ve tried!
I always learn something and really what’s the worst thing that can happen? Not making as much money as you wanted or discovering you don’t enjoy that thing after all. How bad is that, REALLY?!?!
Thanks again Lysa, I know you will inspire others!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who does this! After almost every appointment, I beat myself up a little over something I wish I’d said differently, OR something I wish I’d said but forgot to! But I try not to obsess and mostly count my blessings that I love this job!
Amy, I’ve actually found it a positive thing to call a client back after a consultation and say something like, “You know we were talking about doing xyz in your living room? I’ve been thinking about it some more and I have another idea for you . . . ”
No need to beat yourself up and in fact you’re showing the client you REALLY care about them and their success! This builds the relationship while taking the pressure off you to always feel that you absolutely have to say the “perfect” thing in the moment!
Debra, yes, I absolutely almost always follow-up with clients after a (paid) consult with other ideas that occur to me — either ones that might be better than my first ones, or just additional thoughts, especially after I look at the photos I take. I agree it shows the client you really do care about helping them! I also have clients follow up with ME a lot, sending me photos of products I’ve generically suggested, or asking many additional questions . . . I’m trying to figure out how to handle that when it becomes excessive.
Amy, that’s great! Agree you do need to deal with excessive follow up questions by the client. At some point, you’ll need to offer to come back for a follow up appointment at whatever your hourly rate is, or you can also create a package for telephone follow up.
We need to provide excellent customer service, but we also can’t provide unlimited ongoing support. Not sure if you saw my recent post on blogging, which will be part of an ongoing series. This is another way to use your blog. When questions come in, direct them there for further reading 🙂
Lysa, thanks so much for sharing all you’re going through. It’s really resonated with me.
All those negative messages, the fear, the need for financial security…I feel like that’s me talking – right down to the part about being a Virgo and having high expectations of myself! I suppose that the difficulty of starting/running a business doesn’t go away, but it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone – that there are others out there who feel the same way (I guess that’s why Debra wrote this post). This article and the comments of others are such a comfort. Thx everyone.
Diana thanks for sharing your feedback! The need for financial security was always a huge one for me because I’ve always had to support myself (and later my family). Anyone listening to Course 1 of the Staging Diva Program will hear me recount the story of my “Bag Lady Fear Phase” and how I got through it when I first gave up a steady paycheck to become an entrepreneur.
No worries Diana. It’s good to know we’re not alone :). The reality is that these days, there’s not much difference between working for someone or yourself in terms of the fear of being out of work.
When I think of it that way I’d much rather be an entrepreneur and have control over my destiny and feel good about all the effort I put toward my success.
Unfortunately, often when you work for someone else it doesn’t matter how hard you work, how dedicated you are or how much you care about the success of a large corporation. When it comes down to the bottom line you’re just a number that easily subtracted.
The fact remains that you reap what you sow, good seed produces good harvest :). Hard work and dedication is much more satisfying and rewarding when it’s your own. 🙂
So well said Lysa!
When I was in my 20s, I was the kind of employee that would still be there at 11pm on a Friday night. Because I was “management” of course I was not paid extra for this time. The fact that my dedication meant that projects ran smoothly and made the advertising agency I was working for more money, was invisible to everyone except me. My boss was an alcoholic so actually I was doing her work as well as my own.
I vowed to start my own business before I turned 30 and that’s exactly what I did. I’m now 52, have bought and sold 8 homes along the way, raised a child entirely on my own, and I’ve never for a single minute regretted not working for someone else. Have there been lean times in there? Absolutely!!! But I was in control of my destiny and if I pushed harder, I could always find a way to make money. I didn’t have to wait around for someone else to “rescue” me, nor did I have to wait for “the other shoe to drop” because I was working for someone else who’s best interest was never my own.
Thanks Debra.
I was as well, in my 20’s, 30’s and just into my 40’s (I’m 42). I had a lot of great managers in my career but some that just about killed me. I stood my ground and outlasted that bunch but at what cost to me? Late nights and weekends spent, vacations given up to ensure a project, event or launch went off without a hitch and for what? Not just at one company but two Fortune 100 companies. At the end of the day it didn’t really matter what I had sacrificed for their success or how it impacted my life. When my number was up that was it.
I wish that I would’ve had the courage that you did when you were 30 to take that leap of faith and believe in myself enough to just do it. It was something I always new I wanted to do but I let all the fears creep in and chickened out. Not this time…it’s never too late! I’m prepared for all that will come with this…lean times and all.
What I will have is peace of mind at a different level. I won’t have to wait for “the shoe to drop” every 6 months working for someone else. I know I will have to work my butt off to get established and maintain that momentum but the difference will be that it’s for ME and Me alone. Nobody will be able to take that away from me…how satisfying is that?!
When I decided to do Home Staging many thoughts came in my mind that maybe I can’t do this even though I can! Didn’t get paid for it because did it for family and friends.
When I staged my cousins home to sell she had had it on the market for a month. She called and I went over and she wanted to know how to make it look better. Well after I went through the house she loved it and it ended up selling in a month!
But now I get those voices saying well that was a relative etc., etc. Then I heard my pastor say “We have not cause we ask not!”
Wow! so now I say “ok Lord I can do all things through God who strengthens me!”
I Can do it with his and your help Debra! I can!
Hi Yolanda, I so appreciate you sharing. You’ve beautifully showed how we can doubt ourselves even when there is evidence to prove our made up thoughts aren’t true.
I love the success you had with your cousin’s home and that is total proof that you know how to decorate a house to sell. Whether it was for a relative, or whether you got paid for it or not is irrelevant in this case. It’s the example you’ll have to keep coming back to when those voices of doubt try to say “this will never work,” or “you don’t know what’ you’re doing.”
You are right, you CAN do this! You make a decision and then you go for it with the best information you can get for how to succeed. I know when you follow my step by step business model laid out in the Staging Diva Home Staging Business Training Program you’ll feel so much more confident in your abilities and you won’t have to waste time through trial and error. I show you exactly what works in the real world.
Can’t wait to see what you do with it!
Hi Debra, family members and friends, when they come to my house said that I have a talent for decoration and they also ask for advice and I love to decorate. That’s why, when I came across with your program, I decided to give it a try. I’m currently learning course #3, very informative. Unfortunatelly, my inner voice is holding me back because English is not my first language and I noticed that is a lot of conversation involve with potential buyers and realtors. This is holding me back to move forward and my inner voice is always there telling me, you can’t succeed in a business where required a lot of conversations with clients. I don’t want to give up my dreams of having the freedom to control my time and do what I love to do. Hopefully this is the right business for me. I’m wondering if is somebody else taking this program with a similar situation…
Hi Ithia, thanks for commenting! It’s totally natural to second guess yourself. In your case, it’s about English being your second language, for others, it’s that they’re “too old,” or “too young,” or “too shy” or “too fill-in-the-blanks”. In other words, it’s always something 🙂
You might also find this article helpful, “Expert Home Stager Shares 3 Dirty Little Secrets.”
I also want to say that your written comment tells me your english is far better than you’re giving yourself credit for! As long as you can walk and talk, you can give your clients advice that they will find valuable. Continue to work through Course 3 because it gives you the exact approach to use when you’re in a client’s home.
Good luck on your new venture! And congratulations for following your dream! Appreciate you commenting here.
This is very true Debra, as a naive in this business, I’m thinking here, sometimes we beat ourselves and that leads to a lack of self trust and we start slowing down and not taking the neccesary steps to succeed. If we don’t show up and keep thinking about it, how in the world we are going to succeed? One step in the direction you want to go can bring good results. Let’s all do this, put the fear in the future and live only the present. This may help us a little bit 😉 Thanks for the 3 Dirty Little Secrets article and for your feedback regarding English language.